It's true. I, Steve Wylie, am terrible at video games. It's an affliction I've had to deal with my entire life. So to make the best of it I've decided to make a regular post where I play old video games, naturally fail, and then try to explain them. Post in the comments if you have a specific game you would like me to ultimately lose my patience over and I'll try to get to it later on!
I'd like to start with a game that everyone must hate: California Games
This game does a fantastic job of taking boring outdoor activities and making them into impossible sit in front of your tv activities. The "Games" include Half Pipe, Surfing, Skating, BMX, Flying Disk(?), and Foot Bag(!!!). Of course I went straight for the Foot Bag, hoping for a "California Game" involving vagrancy. What I got wasn't far off, it was actually a game about Hackey Sack. I missed the bag several times, hit a bird, and remembered I was playing Hackey Sack, so I quit.
The most ridiculous part of this game is when the characters, all of them decked out in their "California" sports gear which for 1988 was varying shades of tiny shorts, fall down, which mine did a lot. The girl on roller skates is by far the most violent. She clearly flops down and cracks her head on the pavement bringing back memories of when I used to ride around on, well, anything with wheels, but that's a whole other post about things I'm terrible at. Runners up are the BMX guy who becomes a stick and the Half Pipe guy who gets hit in the head with the skateboard.
This game taught me a lot about California in the late 1980s. Mostly that people from California at the time loved to do the following:
1. Get eaten by sharks
2. Wildly miss one another by great distances with Frisbees
3. Invent games involving bags
In the end, the highest rank I achieved on "California Games" was "dorky", although I had a "bummer" too, and I'm not really sure if that was higher or not.
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