If you actually stop to count them, there are very few times in your life where you meet a genuinely crazy person. And I'm not talking about quiet homeless guys who mumble to themselves crazy or lady who mixes up her medications and thinks you're trying to kill her crazy (story for another day). I'm talking about people who are in the business of telling as many people as possible about their crazy. I mean people whom after you meet them you believe must be angels sent from Heaven to bless you with their batshit craziness. Those moments are rare, and I'll share one with you.
A couple of nights ago I went out for coffee with a friend. After placing our order we realize that there really are no open places to sit. My friend, being the proactive one and the only one of us not terrified by the thought of sitting next to strangers, runs over and sits near a guy who looks about a year or so younger than me who is reading a book, and she asks if we can sit with him. He had an Indiana Jones style fedora pulled low down over his head and a gigantic silver pendant around his neck he later told us was from the Hard Rock Cafe. Now I didn't think much of it at the time, but the fact that the guy was reading a biography of Bob Barker should have tipped me off right away that we were in for an amazing evening.
"Hey," I thought. "A lot of guys my age tend to look up to older guys that are surrounded by beautiful women and who give away free shit, it's probably no big deal."
It was a big deal.
The kid talked non-stop from the time my friend and I sat down to the time we left, which was ultimately abbreviated because I had never drank coffee so quickly in my entire life. He spoke passionately about Bob, Ryan Seacrest, and all things pop culture. He also told us of the dangers of coffee drinking and that he didn't drink it because he had given up awhile back on all things containing alcohol. I believe at this point it was only his small glass of lowfat milk sitting next to him that kept him from being thrown out. Either that or he was just as inspirational to the staff as he was to us, although that didn't seem likely because they could be seen from time to time waving white flags of surrender with apologies to us written on them.
Then he tried to give us his American Idol audition.
Thankfully, he didn't sing but instead gave us his best shot at hosting the show. He chose country music night for his episode. A strong choice I think.
This chance encounter has me thinking a lot about crazy game show hosts. I think I feel some fiction writing coming soon!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Poetry Time
I am currently working on the first part of a story that I hope to post tomorrow. For today I've dug through my old poems and found one of my favorites. I can't say exactly why I like this one so much, it's just a little strange I guess.
The Marmot Dream (inspired by Jay Ryan's Marmots, Chairs, and Buckets)
How peacefully they still themselves amongst the chaos
Of a world turned on end just before
The lights turn off.
They feel their way through the dream-soaked
sketches of midnight, whiskers a chittering antenna
on cold concrete; their whistles to one another suffocated
by the dusty gravity of sleepiness.
The useless furniture now swirls about them,
Angry and sideways in contempt of its misuse.
Yet they pay it no mind, thinking
only to shade themselves in its jagged angles
from the imposing phosphorescence
of amassed moonlight.
I felt the urge to wake them in the pre-dawn hours.
To shine my flashlight in on them
And see their eyes flicker wildly like pennies strewn
across the workshop floor. Yet they had disappeared;
beat a scattering retreat from my premature sunrise
back into the draped shadows and safety of darkness.
Or perhaps they were lost forever
Their memories awash in my own subconscious.
-This was probably written around early '06
OK, it's time to write. Ready. Set. Go.
The Marmot Dream (inspired by Jay Ryan's Marmots, Chairs, and Buckets)
How peacefully they still themselves amongst the chaos
Of a world turned on end just before
The lights turn off.
They feel their way through the dream-soaked
sketches of midnight, whiskers a chittering antenna
on cold concrete; their whistles to one another suffocated
by the dusty gravity of sleepiness.
The useless furniture now swirls about them,
Angry and sideways in contempt of its misuse.
Yet they pay it no mind, thinking
only to shade themselves in its jagged angles
from the imposing phosphorescence
of amassed moonlight.
I felt the urge to wake them in the pre-dawn hours.
To shine my flashlight in on them
And see their eyes flicker wildly like pennies strewn
across the workshop floor. Yet they had disappeared;
beat a scattering retreat from my premature sunrise
back into the draped shadows and safety of darkness.
Or perhaps they were lost forever
Their memories awash in my own subconscious.
-This was probably written around early '06
OK, it's time to write. Ready. Set. Go.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Steve Wylie is Terrible at Your Favorite Video Game
It's true. I, Steve Wylie, am terrible at video games. It's an affliction I've had to deal with my entire life. So to make the best of it I've decided to make a regular post where I play old video games, naturally fail, and then try to explain them. Post in the comments if you have a specific game you would like me to ultimately lose my patience over and I'll try to get to it later on!
I'd like to start with a game that everyone must hate: California Games
This game does a fantastic job of taking boring outdoor activities and making them into impossible sit in front of your tv activities. The "Games" include Half Pipe, Surfing, Skating, BMX, Flying Disk(?), and Foot Bag(!!!). Of course I went straight for the Foot Bag, hoping for a "California Game" involving vagrancy. What I got wasn't far off, it was actually a game about Hackey Sack. I missed the bag several times, hit a bird, and remembered I was playing Hackey Sack, so I quit.
The most ridiculous part of this game is when the characters, all of them decked out in their "California" sports gear which for 1988 was varying shades of tiny shorts, fall down, which mine did a lot. The girl on roller skates is by far the most violent. She clearly flops down and cracks her head on the pavement bringing back memories of when I used to ride around on, well, anything with wheels, but that's a whole other post about things I'm terrible at. Runners up are the BMX guy who becomes a stick and the Half Pipe guy who gets hit in the head with the skateboard.
This game taught me a lot about California in the late 1980s. Mostly that people from California at the time loved to do the following:
1. Get eaten by sharks
2. Wildly miss one another by great distances with Frisbees
3. Invent games involving bags
In the end, the highest rank I achieved on "California Games" was "dorky", although I had a "bummer" too, and I'm not really sure if that was higher or not.
I'd like to start with a game that everyone must hate: California Games
This game does a fantastic job of taking boring outdoor activities and making them into impossible sit in front of your tv activities. The "Games" include Half Pipe, Surfing, Skating, BMX, Flying Disk(?), and Foot Bag(!!!). Of course I went straight for the Foot Bag, hoping for a "California Game" involving vagrancy. What I got wasn't far off, it was actually a game about Hackey Sack. I missed the bag several times, hit a bird, and remembered I was playing Hackey Sack, so I quit.
The most ridiculous part of this game is when the characters, all of them decked out in their "California" sports gear which for 1988 was varying shades of tiny shorts, fall down, which mine did a lot. The girl on roller skates is by far the most violent. She clearly flops down and cracks her head on the pavement bringing back memories of when I used to ride around on, well, anything with wheels, but that's a whole other post about things I'm terrible at. Runners up are the BMX guy who becomes a stick and the Half Pipe guy who gets hit in the head with the skateboard.
This game taught me a lot about California in the late 1980s. Mostly that people from California at the time loved to do the following:
1. Get eaten by sharks
2. Wildly miss one another by great distances with Frisbees
3. Invent games involving bags
In the end, the highest rank I achieved on "California Games" was "dorky", although I had a "bummer" too, and I'm not really sure if that was higher or not.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
15 Facts About David Dirks as Written by Steve Wylie
1. Dave has an intense love for lightning, but an immobilizing fear of thunder. So much so that he was forced at a young age to give up on his first career choice of being an Oklahoma storm chaser.
2. Dave's middle initial J stands for Julio.
3. This middle name comes from his mother's obsession with the music of Paul Simon.
4. Dave doesn't know what the state bird of California is, but he would tell you that he knew if you were asking and he were in the position to be an authority on the subject. It's the California Quail David!
5. Dave's favorite sport is basketball. His least favorite is public execution.
6. Dave is baffled by the science behind the creamsickle, and I support him in this. How in the hell are orange and vanilla two great tastes that go great together?
7. Dave believes the rickshaw is an underrated mode of transportation. He's wrong, it's adequately rated.
8. When trying to pick up ladies Dave likes to drop a packet of sugar on the floor and tell them that they dropped their name tag.
9. Because of number 8 Dave has a difficult time meeting diabetics.
10. If Dave could pick his last meal before his death, it would be In-N-Out Burger and Fresca.
11. When asked who his favorite Ninja Turtle was, David said Slimer.
12. The complete ingredients to making the cocktail known as the "Dave Dirks" are a secret, but I'm pretty sure one of them must be pool water.
13. Dave once said that if he could be the drummer for any band, that band would be the White Stripes.
14. Dave likes books, but he doesn't like-like books. I mean, he and books can hang out or talk on the phone sometimes, but don't be asking him to be in a book club or anything.
15. The first words Dave ever said to me were, "Dude, are you gonna chug that maple syrup or what?" To be fair though, we were both lumberjacks at the time.
2. Dave's middle initial J stands for Julio.
3. This middle name comes from his mother's obsession with the music of Paul Simon.
4. Dave doesn't know what the state bird of California is, but he would tell you that he knew if you were asking and he were in the position to be an authority on the subject. It's the California Quail David!
5. Dave's favorite sport is basketball. His least favorite is public execution.
6. Dave is baffled by the science behind the creamsickle, and I support him in this. How in the hell are orange and vanilla two great tastes that go great together?
7. Dave believes the rickshaw is an underrated mode of transportation. He's wrong, it's adequately rated.
8. When trying to pick up ladies Dave likes to drop a packet of sugar on the floor and tell them that they dropped their name tag.
9. Because of number 8 Dave has a difficult time meeting diabetics.
10. If Dave could pick his last meal before his death, it would be In-N-Out Burger and Fresca.
11. When asked who his favorite Ninja Turtle was, David said Slimer.
12. The complete ingredients to making the cocktail known as the "Dave Dirks" are a secret, but I'm pretty sure one of them must be pool water.
13. Dave once said that if he could be the drummer for any band, that band would be the White Stripes.
14. Dave likes books, but he doesn't like-like books. I mean, he and books can hang out or talk on the phone sometimes, but don't be asking him to be in a book club or anything.
15. The first words Dave ever said to me were, "Dude, are you gonna chug that maple syrup or what?" To be fair though, we were both lumberjacks at the time.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Setting the Bar Low...
Hey guys, Dave here, doing my duty to make sure manbabies.com remains a figment of Steve's strange little imagination. I apologize for the delay but I was held up by a sudden case of the "why did I think getting a liberal arts degree was a good idea"-itis. It's not known how this particular contagion is passed but it seems to be catching in this economy. If only my parents had told me about the pitying looks and disapproving stares that awaited me after changing my major.
Innocent bystander: "Oh, what did you major in?"
Me: "History!"
Bystander: "Oh.............."
Me: "WHY GOD, WHY???"
Ok, maybe that's how it would've gone had I been played by *name of soap opera star removed to avoid lawsuit* but you get the idea. Luckily and NR-NX we have a sense of humor forged by fire and we're qualified to write under any physical conditions (Captain, meet Jack D). It'll be weird, it'll be wonderful, it'll leave you hungering for more against the protests of your common sense. We're like that last shot of tequilla, you know its not heading anywhere productive but hell, you weren't going to get anything done today anyway. Don't lie to yourself. So until next time...damn the man, save the empire!
Innocent bystander: "Oh, what did you major in?"
Me: "History!"
Bystander: "Oh.............."
Me: "WHY GOD, WHY???"
Ok, maybe that's how it would've gone had I been played by *name of soap opera star removed to avoid lawsuit* but you get the idea. Luckily and NR-NX we have a sense of humor forged by fire and we're qualified to write under any physical conditions (Captain, meet Jack D). It'll be weird, it'll be wonderful, it'll leave you hungering for more against the protests of your common sense. We're like that last shot of tequilla, you know its not heading anywhere productive but hell, you weren't going to get anything done today anyway. Don't lie to yourself. So until next time...damn the man, save the empire!
Monday, April 6, 2009
The Internet Just Got Slightly More Awkward
Okay, so here goes. My friend Dave and I had been throwing around the idea of starting a blog for a long time and finally decided on what we we going to write about. A year to the day later we are finally starting and I think that pretty much about sums up our work ethic (I had to threaten him with naming the blog manbabies.com to get him to actually write a post today).
What I hope to produce on this blog is an account of the things that keep us going. That said, you may be thinking to yourselves: "this blog is going to be about alcohol", and you would only be partially right. In reality it's going to be a place where we will post stories both real and from our deranged and sleep deprived minds. I'm not sure exactly what to tell you to expect, but my goal is to make it as entertaining as possible.
So tune in, show us some love, and we'll keep the site updated as much as we possibly can.
What I hope to produce on this blog is an account of the things that keep us going. That said, you may be thinking to yourselves: "this blog is going to be about alcohol", and you would only be partially right. In reality it's going to be a place where we will post stories both real and from our deranged and sleep deprived minds. I'm not sure exactly what to tell you to expect, but my goal is to make it as entertaining as possible.
So tune in, show us some love, and we'll keep the site updated as much as we possibly can.
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